I Love My Father..

I t was when pakcik zairul gave me a ride going back home with dayah after having rehlah, I saw she was having conversation with her dad.. I don’t know..but, it reminds me of my father.

Yeah.. I missed him so much..

Everytime I saw my father’s friends, I will be missing him so much.

Even sometimes I still feel… babah really has passed away?

I t’ve already been more than 3 years since he left us. But the memories remain forever..

I still remember.. quite long time before,when I asked him, “babah, okey ke senarnye?caner result checkup?”he said” alah darah babah tak brape bersih..” I kept quiet..the first time I learnt about his disease, it was only me and my along.. I cried.. but he said” alah… insyallah takde pape… tgk tangan babah, still merah.. kalau org leukemia, kulit jadi kuning.. jangan risau babah sempatnye kawen kan korang due”he said that, smiling and laughing…..

…..

but, the day he went away, he was very pale..very2 pale…but smiling..

I still remember the day he called us all to gather in front of him..and telling us about his disease and...how fatal it seems.. the first thing he said

”awak semua tahu kan kenapa babah kahwin ngan mama?

babah harap awak semua jadi org yang berguna utk islam..

babah nak bina baitul muslim yg akan melahirkan anak2 yg memperjuangkan islam..”

for the first time I saw he cried in front of us.. so do us..

I still remember when I got into darul quran.. he was so happy..and every time I told him, babah, angah dah masuk juzu’ 3 and so on. He smiled brightly.. alhamdulillah.. and he patted my head. There was time when I got the scholarship to go to japan.. I asked him his opinion. He said he prefered me finishing the memorization.. and I told him I will try my best to finish even if I went into AAJ(ambang asuhan jepun). He just smile and said”kalau camtu takpelah..babah percayakan awak..” then after I decided to accept the offer and register in aaj.. I have so much uncertainaty of my decision. He smiled and asked me ”nape ngah?” a few day there, I called my mother and told her I wanna go back to DQ.. mama told babah. He was very excited and asked my aunt who was there to picked me next morning. My mother quite not agree with that abrupt decision coz we alredy has paid the registration fees and etc. but he said.” Dah budak tu nak sambung hafazan. Biarlah die balik DQ” he was so excited and even went over to fetch me even he was so weak on that time(my aunt was the one driving) and we went back to dq.

I still remembered, late in night, I saw mama was helping babah for wudhu’ even he was too weak to get up, he still won’t miss his tahajjud… his mouth continuously filled with zikr with tasbih in his hand…there was time when I watched nasyid at tv, he called me.. he said.. nasyid is a good method for da’wah.. and he said when we really understand the meaning of the nasyid we may cry..but the most important thing, the core thing in da’wah, is da’wah fardiah n tarbiyyah.. I remembered that very well..even on that time I was still a newbie in da’wah.but now I really understand the meaning.

It was only after his death, I learn deeply about what he has being doing all the time, eventhough before this I do know but I think I do not really understand.. only after his death, I understand what it means

to be a naqib,

to take care of usrah.

Whats the real meaning of da’wah n tarbiyyah.

WHY he was really into these things. I only “understand” after he passed away.

There was time when I opened a book about a programme for married couple.. after he’s gone.. I saw this passage

what is the aim of your marriage?

for building a family who are soleh wa musleh”

I don’t know how.. but I cried..

My along told me that babah had once told her about me.. he said he believe in me.. (suddenly I remembered what yondaime told naruto..huhh..)

Otosan ga anata no koto Shinjiru yo..

but, am I really worth for you to have faith in?

the moment he passed away, all of us except our mother were on our way to hukm. My hp rang,

“angah, babah awak dah tak de” mama was crying..

…………………………………..

My mind went blank.. I gave the hp to along..

“babah dah takde?”

Along cried, amus cried, amah cried, firas cried…

so did i..

The moment we saw his body covered in white cloth in icu room.. all of us cried..like we never cried before..

When he was still alive,

When we went for vocation for our family,

I couldn’t even imagine my life if any one of our family member passed away..

but,

Kullu nafsin zaiqatul maut..

Faiza jaa a ajalukum, la yasta’khirunassa’ah wa la yas taqdimun

That time, I realized how real those ayah.. how real that we will encounter death anytime.. how a person that might be with us this second, and the other second that person not in this world anymore.

How real..

But do I really make myself ready for that moment?

Life goes on.. people come, people go.. the one that stay is our amal that we have to bring when we go..

To meet our Creator.